Under the Influence.

When we hear the words “under the influence,” our minds immediately go to alcohol or drugs. We think about someone whose judgment has been impaired by something they have consumed. We think about someone behaving differently, making questionable decisions or doing things they probably would not do if they were sober.

But lately, I have been thinking about this phrase very differently.

The truth is, alcohol and drugs are not the only things capable of impairing our judgment. Every single one of us is under the influence of something. The question is whether we are conscious of what that something is.

Some people are under the influence of alcohol or smoking. Others are under the influence of money, jealousy, comparison, social media, approval or the constant need to look successful. Some are under the influence of always working. They don't know how to sit still without feeling guilty because somewhere along the way, productivity became the measure of their worth.

Some people are under the influence of relationships. They keep returning to people they know are not good for them, accepting behaviour they once said they would never tolerate. Some are under the influence of loneliness and will entertain almost anybody just to avoid being alone. And yes, some are under the influence of dating people they know they shouldn't be dating, including somebody's husband.

Different substances. Same principle.

Something has enough power over you to influence how you think, how you behave and the decisions you make.

And perhaps that is what makes influence so powerful. You don't always realise when it has taken over.

We understand addiction when it involves a substance, but there are behaviours and emotions we can become equally dependent on. You can become addicted to being needed. You can become addicted to praise, attention, validation, money, busyness or even chaos. You can become addicted to rescuing people. You can become addicted to being the victim in every story. You can become addicted to proving yourself.

You can even become addicted to struggle.

Sometimes life has been difficult for so long that when peace finally arrives, you don't know how to live in it. You create another problem, pick another fight, choose another complicated relationship or take on another unnecessary commitment because chaos has become familiar.

And sometimes we mistake familiarity for normality.

What makes this even more complicated is that the most dangerous influences don't always look dangerous. Sometimes they arrive dressed as perfectly respectable things.

Being under the influence of work can look like ambition. You work sixteen-hour days, never rest, barely see the people you love and ignore every signal your body is sending you. Everybody around you calls you hardworking, so you never stop to ask whether what started as ambition has slowly become something else.

Being under the influence of a bad relationship can look like love. You keep accepting behaviour that contradicts everything you say you want because you have convinced yourself that relationships are complicated.

Being under the influence of unhealthy attachments can look like loyalty. You continue protecting friendships, employees, family members or business partners who repeatedly compromise you because you have history together.

Being under the influence of appearances can even look like success. You start buying things you don't need, going places you don't particularly enjoy and maintaining a lifestyle you cannot comfortably afford because somewhere along the way, looking successful became more important than actually building wealth.

And being under the influence of the wrong people can simply look like friendship. You sit around tables every weekend where gossip, negativity and other people's failures are the main course, and then you wonder why you are slowly becoming cynical.

My friend, you have been eating there every week. 😅

Influence doesn't always announce itself. Sometimes it slowly becomes your normal.

I think one of the most frightening things about influence is that you rarely recognise it while you are under it. We become incredibly good at giving our unhealthy influences respectable names.

The jealous person doesn't always call it jealousy. They say, “There is just something about her I don't like.” The fearful person calls themselves realistic. The person constantly comparing themselves to others says they are simply looking for inspiration. The person under the influence of gossip says they are concerned. The controlling person says they just like things done properly. The people-pleaser says they are simply kind. The workaholic says they are building an empire. The bitter person says they have learned their lesson. The person driven by ego says they simply know their worth.

Every unhealthy influence eventually develops a vocabulary that makes it sound reasonable.

That is why self-awareness is so important. Sometimes the biggest threat to the life you are trying to build is not something outside of you. Sometimes it is something you have normalised inside of you.

Perhaps we need to ask ourselves what our decisions would look like if we were “sober” from some of these influences.

If I removed fear from this decision, would I still choose the same thing? If I removed money, would I still want this opportunity? If I removed loneliness, would I still want this relationship? If I removed other people's opinions, would I still want this lifestyle? If I removed jealousy, would I still have the same opinion about that person?

If nobody could see what I bought on social media, would I still buy it? If nobody applauded what I was doing, would I still pursue it? If I had absolutely nothing to prove to anybody, would I still be working this hard?

Those are uncomfortable questions, but sometimes we need to sober up from the influences that have quietly been making decisions on our behalf.

We also need to acknowledge how much our environments influence us. We like to believe that we are completely independent thinkers, but human beings are deeply influenced by what we repeatedly see, hear and experience.

Spend enough time around people who constantly complain about money and eventually every opportunity begins to look risky. Spend enough time around people who cheat and eventually infidelity starts sounding normal. Spend enough time around people who gossip and eventually discussing other people's lives becomes entertainment.

The opposite is also true. Spend enough time around people who are building, learning, investing, creating and stretching themselves, and suddenly possibility begins to look normal.

This is why your environment matters so much. The people around you don't necessarily have to tell you what to do in order to influence you. They simply have to repeatedly show you what they consider normal, and eventually you begin adjusting your own standards.

Your environment influences your expectations. Your circle influences your appetite. Your conversations influence your perspective. The content you consume influences your thinking, and your thinking eventually influences your behaviour.

So when we talk about being careful about what we consume, perhaps we shouldn't only be talking about what we eat and drink.

What are you consuming mentally?

Think about the conversations you participate in every day, the social media accounts you follow, the advice you continuously listen to and the people whose opinions carry the most weight in your life. Think about whose lifestyle you have been watching so closely that you may have accidentally started wanting their life instead of building your own.

Some of us need a detox that has absolutely nothing to do with green juice. 😅

The beautiful thing, however, is that influence is not always negative. If the wrong influences can change the direction of your life, the right influences can do exactly the same thing.

You can be under the influence of discipline. You can be under the influence of purpose, faith, curiosity, learning, generosity and peace. You can be under the influence of friendships that challenge you to become better. You can surround yourself with people whose conversations expand your thinking and make possibility feel normal.

There are people who can influence you to think bigger without making you feel inadequate about where you currently are. There are people who will celebrate your growth without competing with it. There are people who can correct you without humiliating you. There are people who won't only applaud your success but will question your decisions when necessary. There are people who will remind you who you are when you temporarily forget.

That is influence too.

And that is the kind of influence we should intentionally seek.

So perhaps every now and then, alongside reviewing our goals, finances, careers, businesses and relationships, we should conduct an influence audit.

We should ask ourselves what currently has the greatest influence over our decisions.

Is it fear? Is it money? Is it comparison? Is it ambition? Is it loneliness? Is it validation? Is it social media? Is it jealousy? Is it comfort? Is it a relationship? Is it our friends? Is it something that happened in our childhood? Is it the need to prove ourselves? Is it simply the desire to belong?

Then comes the harder question: Is that influence taking me closer to the person I say I want to become, or further away from them?

We spend so much time setting goals. We have revenue goals, career goals, relationship goals, fitness goals, financial goals and personal goals. Yet we rarely audit the influences surrounding those goals.

You can have the clearest destination in the world and still struggle to get there if you are constantly making decisions under the wrong influence.

Maybe maturity isn't about becoming impossible to influence. I don't even think that is realistic. Perhaps maturity is becoming increasingly intentional about what we allow to influence us.

It is knowing what deserves access to our minds. It is knowing which voices deserve volume in our lives and which ones need to be muted. It is knowing which environments we have outgrown and which habits we need to confront.

It is recognising when ambition has become obsession, when loyalty has become self-abandonment, when love has become an excuse, when comfort has become stagnation and when a coping mechanism has quietly become an identity.

Most importantly, it is having enough courage to look at something that has controlled you for a long time and say, “You have had enough influence over me.”

Because ultimately, we are all under the influence of something.

The goal isn't to live an uninfluenced life. That would be impossible.

The goal is to make sure that whatever has influence over you is worthy of the future you are trying to build.

So every now and then, ask yourself: What am I under the influence of? Who am I under the influence of? What version of me does this influence produce? And is that version of me capable of building the life I keep saying I want?

Your future won't only be determined by what you want.

It will also be determined by what you repeatedly allow to influence the person making the decisions.

Choose your influences carefully. Some will build your future. Others will quietly steal it while convincing you that you're completely sober.

Yours in being under the right influence,

The Business Doctor Keitumetse Lekaba